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Monday, July 4th, 2005
9:54 pm - Independence Day
the fireworks haven't stopped for the last hour... and i know most of this must be illegal street stuff.... but it's kinda cool that i can sit at my computer and take it all in.... location, location, location!
this weekend has been really nice.... i got to see Greg again... although i don't feel that i saw all that much of him... i should have moved out of my really good spot at the show to stand back a bit with him, but as usual, once they get on stage i'm glued to them... and by them, i mean, ANTIGONE RISING, the most amazing band going right now.... energy like nothing else...
for anyone that i sent an e-mail about this show (7/2 at the Downtown, Antigone Rising) that didn't go, what the heck were you doing??? for those people who did come, some of you first-timers, i'm glad you are hooked after one-dose... that's all it takes...
kristen signed her geeetar for me... she rocks... greg rocks for being a photographer... if not for crackhead and greg i'd have to rely upon my ever-failing memory...
after the show i had a goodly amount of energy... (although my feet were killing me).... steph and i left greg in the livingroom went upstairs and listened to Dark Side of the Moon for a couple of hours and worked out some of our extra energy.... it never ceases to amaze me how much we have in common.... spooky even...
love her to death... hated to see her go tonight... next week will be interesting... she'll be on the cruise with her family for a solid week... whatever will i do with myself? ha ha...
she's addicted to shows now too, and wants to go to Asbury Park... i've never made it to the Stone Pony.... there's a first time for everything...
i don't want to go back to work tomorrow... can't it just be July 3rd for a few weeks??? july 2nd and 3rd very good days this year.... wish i could relive them over and over

current mood: geeky

(1philosopherenlighten me )

Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
9:05 pm - Holy Crap! I can't believe how long it has been since I posted...
The republican national convention was my last post.... nearly a year ago... so what's been going on? lot's of insanity, work craziness... but who cares about work when you're in love????
well i mean i still care about my job, but it doesn't get to me as much as it used to... while i'm there it still gets to me, but i try not to bring it home so much...
so i met this girl through planetout.com of all things.... i was actually going on to get rid of my profile and cancel my membership and i noticed i had an e-mail.... this was the beginning of January '05... the e-mail was from 12/25/04... so i thought, well it hasn't been sitting there too long, let's see what's up...
so she saw my profile and recognized the Antigone Rising reference... music is the way to my heart oh yes.... so i e-mailed her back, asked her if she liked LP.... we started e-mailing back and forth, maybe for about a week or so, then we started chatting online AIM.... we really seemed to click... but it was philosophy that really nailed it for both of us.... we had this long philosophical discussion and i think i fell in love right then and there.... we decided we would meet up at an LP show in NYC.... i don't remember if we had spoken on the phone at all at that point, probably not, neither of us are phone people.... YAY!!!!! so after lots of text messages about where we were at the venue, finally she texted me to turn around.... i was so nervous to meet her.... so afraid that we wouldn't feel the same way after meeting... but oh my god, how wrong was i..... she was/is so freaking cute, beautiful, smart, funny, amazing.... i'm just in love....
we ended up driving her and jeff (the friend she came with) back to the train station in bellmore so they could get back to babylon where there car was... we basically hijacked them in NYC... anyway, it gave me more of a chance to be near steph, that's her name.... mmmm steph.... i love her....
well anyway... we've been together now since January 28th... so 5 months and counting....
i could go on and on about her, but i'll save that for another time... just felt the need to expound a bit online.... maybe i'll check back sooner than 10 months from now...
time will tell......................... Antigone Rising at the Downtown on July 2nd????

current mood: bouncy

(6philosophersenlighten me )

Monday, August 30th, 2004
11:22 pm - RNC and other madness
lots of stuff seems to be happening at a faster and faster pace... i left sabrina a voicemail message today that was probably the worst happy birthday voicemail ever... but i did what i could... i didn't really know what i wanted to say to her... so i mumbled and hung up...
michele is currently upset with me... what else is new... i can't seem to stay out of her doghouse... sometimes i think it would be much easier to just sever all ties... but i just don't know how to go about that... at least i don't know how to go about it without coming out of it looking like a complete bitch... feeling like a bitch... i just don't know what to do about her... it's not a major issue in my life at all, just something i wish i could bring to some type of level resolved ground...
work is going well in monetary ways, but the stress is going to be pretty intense in the next year... starting in the next couple of months i have a lot of learning to do and not one of the best (to say the least) teachers to learn from... but i will deal with it the best i can and do what i can to keep things running as smoothly as possible... and who knows what time has in store... one day at a time right!?!?!
i was angry when i left kris's last night... for no good reason really, just mad at myself i suppose... for not being able to figure out what it is that i really feel for her or want out of our relationship... clearly it's not that i want to be with her... maybe i'm just envious of who she is and her confidence... i'm trying to figure out if i'm in love with the idea of who she is, or what... it's rather bothersome...
then there is cy... she's really cool... we've only been chatting online, not even on the phone... going really slowly and getting to know each other pretty well... we think the same way about a lot of things, although not everything... she's got the scientist perspective which is great to experience... almost like two opposite platforms that keep meeting up down all of these different paths... it's pretty cool... (cool, can't i think of something more intelligent)...
what else is going on... hmmm....
shannon is pretty much a lost cause i think... she says she wants to maintain a friendship but makes pretty close to no effort (sounds like me)... guess i should take the hint...
everything comes back to you right.... i know it well...
another reason why i nipped the caren thing in the bud... i don't need to be involved with anymore conditional unattached encounters... enough is enough...
i saw some commercial last night where you see this teenage boy mouth the words "i love you" to his girlfriend... and i just went... "awwww" and that's when i knew for sure.... that's what i want the most right now.... to feel the urge to say i love you to one woman and that woman feeling the exact same way to me... i miss love...
not to the point of depression, but i just miss it... i think i'm coming to a point in my life where i am just about ready to allow myself to be loved again and for me to love someone else...
and on that note.... i think it's time to catch some z's...

current mood: groggy

(enlighten me )

Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
2:37 pm - t-shirt philosophy
take about 4 hits from a bong, throw in a load of laundry, go into the bathroom to brush your teeth.... you're still wearing the i hang out with liz brooks t-shirt that has become the focal point of your philosophical daydreams for the last 24 hours... not a shirt that you wear everyday, but for some reason on that saturday in august it just felt like the shirt to put on... looking chill in all your teal glory... your cousin calls from work around 7pm and you make plans to hang out... he arrives about an hour and a half later wearing the exact same t-shirt...
you stop when you see him immediately recognizing the coincidence as a bizarre otherworldly phenomena that seems to occur between the two of you on a regular basis... you both laugh in a shared understanding of the oddity...
of course you slept in the shirt and now here you are brushing your teeth the next morning (afternoon) stoned and pondering... imagine all the energy that must flow to liz brooks whenever anyone puts on one of these shirts... and then for two people to have a bizarre coincidence and undoubtedly get a charge out of it, that must send a shockwave of energy straight to the namesake... everything mirrors something else that is larger in life... relativity... energy... experience... inspiration...
one simple decision is not realistic... nothing is simple, there is no choice but to embrace the chaos... chaos is constant, in that, we can believe and trust... trust that there will always be chaos and if you can do that you can be reasonable, rational and functional...
but it sounds like a machine and every word that seems to resonate as true becomes suspect... contradictions, but it is just more evidence to the constant nature of the chaos... there is no end to come to... frustration, passion, intensity... you can't boil it down no matter how hard you try, how often you try, how many different directions you approach it from... it is chaos
what is zen? if you can learn to breathe maybe you can circumvent the endless repetitive journey, perhaps zen can bring you to rest... perhaps it is worth exploring further... maybe that is what it is there for... a natural defense mechanism against the raging machine that is existence in this conscious conscience ridden society...
what you wouldn't give to be any living creature other than a human being just for one day... to understand existence beyond the bounds of humanity....
there is no end

current mood: contemplative

(enlighten me )

Sunday, April 18th, 2004
1:49 am - spring
tis the season for change.... greg and vicki are moving to florida at the end of July.... and i will be moving back into my mother's house yet again... i can't say that i'm thrilled about this, however, i will be able to pay off my shit quicker... it will just be my mom, grandma and myself left on LI.... bizarre....
in other news there is kris.... danger will robinson...
a broken heart is most definitely waiting in the wings for me.... but i refuse to deny myself the good times out of fear for the worst.... i don't know what will happen with us.... but i do know i can't stop thinking about her.... i just want to be with her all the time.... i want to figure it all out....
i have to remind myself to go slowly.... so far i think i'm doing a good job (now that i got past the first couple of days of craziness) .... she makes me feel like i'm in high school again....
i just want to be next to her..... touching her..... feeling the energy she exudes.... i can close my eyes and be there.... i'm gone...
this is gonna be a good one....
i can't wait to see what happens by the end of this summer.... i'll be back in East Meadow.... Greg and Vicki will be in Florida..... I will finally have met kris's mom.... if all goes as planned with the Sarah concert.... hmmmmmmmm....
i'm anticipating good energy.... let it be so...
change is good

current mood: curious

(1philosopherenlighten me )

Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
11:32 pm - go figure
Pisces
You should be dating a Pisces. 19 February - 20 March Your mate is loving and caring, trusting and
hospitable, and romantic. Though he/she can be
self-pitying, temperamental or dependent, the
fishes are quite romantic in bed.

What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla shan's a pisces... :(

current mood: tired

(enlighten me )

Thursday, December 11th, 2003
9:35 pm - hmmmmm....
it's thursday night.... i've got the apartment to myself for the first time in awhile.... greg is closing tonight and tomorrow night so i literally won't see him for like 2 days just because we now have opposite work schedules.... oh no! whatever will i do with all this alone time... hmmmm.... perhaps write more... clean some.... or waste more time online.... which i haven't really been doing at all of late.... it would be nice to read a good book as well..... i've been craving a good book.... i also want to re-read angels in america.... i think the miniseries already started on HBO... i'll probably wait until they release it on dvd or play a marathon or something.... i don't want to come in on it in the middle.... i'm not even sure how it's broken up... if it's two parts or more.... no clue.... i just know that it was one of the only things i enjoyed reading in that class.... i can't even remember which class it was.... i think it was humanities with Dean Roth... yikes... i had forgotten i even had the displeasure of being his student.... but he did bring this one good thing into my life... so i guess he served a positive purpose....
anyway.... last week i suffered through the hoboken flu as crackhead has deemed it... i don't think i ever had the flu before, i certainly never had any flu like this.... i didn't eat for 3 days, almost 4 really, which for me is like unheard of... i couldn't keep ANYTHING down, not even liquids.... i think i was as empty as a human can be and still be alive.... i had a constant chill, body aches from hell, congestion, coughing, fever.... it was so bad i actually went to the doctor... for the first time in my adult life i actually used my medical insurance.... i lucked out and found a doctor 2 blocks from here.... thank god, because i wasn't in any condition to drive.... the doc was cool and i will probably go back when i'm fully healthy and just get a regular physical.... it couldn't hurt to make sure everything is going to hell as i imagine.... it was funny when i went in, the nurse or doctor's assistant or whatever she was had to weigh me.... i got on the scale and she put the thing where i KNEW she was way under.... like she needed to be in the next section up... and i knew it, but i didn't say anything... so she throws the other little part all the way to the top and it's still not enough weight.... i'm chuckling in my head.... she gets the thing to balance after shifting the big one over and she says, "does that seem right to you? that can't be right?" the other nurse was just like, well it's the end of the day she's got two meals in her.... i'm thinking, i haven't eaten in 3 days..... the nurses couldn't believe i weigh as much as i do... which really doesn't shock me at all, because i don't ever feel like i look like i weigh as much as i do numerically..... it's bizarre.... very bizarre.... she ended up subtracting like 7 pounds because she just couldn't accept that i weighed that much.... i just laughed.... i have such a strange life....
i'm still feeling under the weather but the last 2 days have really shown improvement... like i can notice the difference in how i feel.... i just have to kick this cough and i will be done with it... anywho.... the other night when i was still feeling kinda shitty i had a really bad headache and every noise was annoying me.... i couldn't deal with vicki even speaking to greg in the next room.... i was on my bed and i had my head in my pillow and i was just having a good 'ol freak out session right in my pillow.... i was having a completely schizophrenic moment... it was a little scary at the time.... i was a bit scared about what was going on in my head, how i was feeling... i didn't like it... but i weathered it.... sometimes i really do wonder if medication could be beneficial.... maybe i didn't start off chemically imbalanced, but perhaps years of smoking weed and burning brain cells has begun to take its toll on my head.... sometimes i really do have some crazy IRRATIONAL crazy moments.... sometimes i really am scared of life and other times i feel like i'm the only one who really knows what's going on.... i think that i'm really good at fooling myself, but i know i've mentioned that in here somewhere before... so i guess none of this is new....
my first direct deposit into my savings finally went through last week.... woohoo, one more step towards responsibility and adulthood.... some days i really wish i had my own place and other days i'm extremely thankful to have my roomies.... but i think that's normal... everyone craves their own space and privacy once in awhile right? :)
that was a little all over the place, but who the fuck cares.... i could write about a bunch more shit, but that's all it would be... shit... and ER is about to start.... so the shit will have to wait...

current mood: groggy

(enlighten me )

Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
8:03 pm - this would be more fun if my friends were more spread out...
have fun...
I'm trying to get all my Livejournal friends' locations plotted on a map - please add your location starting with this form.
Username:
(Then get your friends to!)


current mood: blah

(enlighten me )

Friday, October 24th, 2003
11:40 pm - one week
it's amazing what can happen in one week's time...
life is truly bizarre...
what's next?

current mood: lethargic

(enlighten me )

Saturday, October 18th, 2003
3:00 pm - saturday in the luna apt
woke up around 9:30 or so..... greg was home, as usual.... it's not going to be good news if he loses this job.... but it's his life.... so he'll do what he wants.... i would be the same way i'm sure if i were him...
today i put more money on my credit card... like the idiot that i am... but you know what... it was worth it..... i know what pants size i am now... woohoo.... i have clothes that fit!!! i went down one size which sounds about right.... i haven't been doing anything but eating crap for the last couple of months.... only time i eat healthy is when greg makes the meal... thank god for greg....
it felt really good though to put on pants that actually fit me, my size.... baggy clothing does nothing for ones appearance....
i got 2 pairs of jeans... black and dark blue.... a pair of gray cords and a pair of brown cargo pants.... i also got a black sweater shirt and a black fleecy long sleeve.... i like black shirts, they do good things for me... :)
everything fit.... even the cargo pants... which are boys... so i had to guess my actual waist size in inches.... and i hit the nail on the head.....
3 inches... good lord, that's how much i've put on my waist since utopia days.... shame on me.... i need to start doing crunches at night.... that shit used to do it's job.... quickest results from any exercise i've ever done...
it really really felt good though to put on some new well-fitting clothing.... i literally don't even remember the last time i bought myself a new pair of pants.... good god!
it's like a radiohead day or something.... vicki was listening to the bends on her run this morning.... and now greg is listening to it while he's showering.... bizarre.... the bizarre part is that it just took him about 10 minutes at least to decide on this cd..... i'll have to share this weird little cosmic luna connection with them when they're both here....;)
my family is way too cool.... hee hee
i also got a new bag finally.... i love it... it's so cute.... grey and fleecy, lots of pockets and compartments.... it's a real girls bag.... lol.... i felt very much girly today when i got home from my little shopping spree.... did the little fashion show for vic and greg.... fun shit....
i wanted to get some more sweaters or what not for the winter... but they seemed to be in transition or something.... i llllloooooooooooooove the one black sweater i got... it's perfect.....
now i just need a comfy pair of slip ons for the winter and i'll be set.... i need some easy shoes.... i don't want to wear boots all winter.... they're just too heavy.... blah blah blah....
i think greg and i are going to blockbuster shortly... return some dvd's, perhaps rent one... but maybe not... it's already after 3 and i still have to make dinner.... and i wanted to watch the virgin suicides with vicki when she gets back from mike's.... so we wouldn't really get a chance to watch it before the yankee game anyway...
we shall see... i may sign up for a blockbuster card however... since i don't really have one.... the one i have is my mom's and it's from a store that doesn't even exist anymore.... such is life.....

current mood: anxious

(enlighten me )

12:25 am - curiouser and curiouser
such an odd week... family craziness... "relationship" craziness all around.... old michele wrote me a letter that i received yesterday.... it was so unlike michele... so apologetic and responsible and mature.... it was like a different person... i called her shortly after i read the letter... it was the type of letter that deserved an immediate response... we spoke for awhile on the phone, she caught me up on what's been going on in her life of late... i of course did not share much detail.... she wants to see me... wants to talk to me about all her thoughts and feelings.... i told her i couldn't see her yet....
i'm not ready to see her... i wasn't expecting to even hear from her anytime soon, let alone see her... i told her i think we should talk some more before we attempt to hang out.... she loves me and she still wants something with me.... i am going to make it perfectly clear however that i am not interested in anything more than friendship.... i'm not going down that road again....
i've begun writing again.... keeping my own handwritten journal.... last night i had some word breakthroughs... felt like i was flowing creatively for the first time in a long time.... the words were coming together for me.... it was an incredible lift... i definitely look forward to writing every night....
i spoke to mishka tonight again for the first time since monday i think... yeah... first time since monday.... she's pretty easy to talk to.... i do think her memory could rival mine for "lack of" status... but it's all good....
my social skills certainly could use some touching up.... as i've been reminded of recently.... total agreement there...
i really should be productive tomorrow.... hopefully it won't be raining all day.... i would like to get my ass over to old navy... we shall see
no guitar until the credit card is paid off..... yikes
i guess i'd better stop spending for a bit...
today i did another adult thing in a line of recently adult things.... i decided to have $20 a week put directly into my savings account from my paycheck... so i'm going to get a $20 check for a couple of weeks that i'll have to deposit until this thing goes through....
i'm feeling much better though about things... get my savings account going.... my 401k at least exists.... it's better than nothing and it's a start while i'm paying down everything else....
next step is to really look into consolidating my school and car loan.... i should call USAA this weekend.... hmmmmmm
that's enough for this thing

current mood: contemplative

(1philosopherenlighten me )

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
6:15 pm - point
we don't understand each other... i tried to explain... i tried several times to explain... if you don't get it... what can i do?
i'm not going to read it anymore...
don't take it personally... i just don't want to read about myself anymore...

current mood: determined

(2philosophersenlighten me )

Monday, October 6th, 2003
11:33 pm - patterns
"The night sets softly
With the hush of falling leaves,
Casting shivering shadows
On the houses through the trees,
And the light from a street lamp
Paints a pattern on my wall,
Like the pieces of a puzzle
Or a child's uneven scrawl.

Up a narrow flight of stairs
In a narrow little room,
As I lie upon my bed
In the early evening gloom.
Impaled on my wall
My eyes can dimly see
The pattern of my life
And the puzzle that is me.

From the moment of my birth
To the instant of my death,
There are patterns I must follow
Just as I must breathe each breath.
Like a rat in a maze
The path before me lies,
And the pattern never alters
Until the rat dies.

And the pattern still remains
On the wall where darkness fell,
And it's fitting that it should,
For in darkness I must dwell.
Like the color of my skin,
Or the day that I grow old,
My life is made of patterns
That can scarcely be controlled."


simon and garfunkel are amazing.... extremely inspiring... i need to start writing again... perhaps i need a laptop afterall...

tonight i think i did right... i hope i did right....
i hope that we can move past the mistakes and at least live peacefully...

current mood: determined

(enlighten me )

12:04 am - the inevitable has come to be
well, how long did it last? i don't even know... the last couple of months are a whirlwind of vascillating emotions and thoughts.... tried to do everything right... failed again...
there were supposed to be no expectations.... no responsibilities... just sex.... i'm told i'm the one who didn't let that happen... i'm not sure how that is even possible....
i never asked her to change for me.... never wanted her to change for me....
i've been told i'm a fucking worthless whore.... wow... worthless.... i can handle the fucking whore part.... but worthless??? that's just not nice...
perhaps this is the kick in the ass i needed.... maybe i will get my act together now.... really clean up and fly right.... be as responsible as i can be.... right now i'm only minimally responsible.... i'm sure i can improve in leaps and bounds....
as sarcastic as this may all sound.... there of course is a grain of honesty involved... as usual.... it is my choice to remain pinned under the crutch of dope... the fear of dealing with my life without the excuses.... scary!!! i'm 2/3rds of the way to 40... how much more time/life do i want to waste?
separate from all the goings on of the last two months is the same old story that has been there all along.... i'm never going to find someone who will make me happy... until i'm happy on my own, without the crushing crutch....
until i have the strength and balls to stop being led around my an herb.... i will have to deal with the bullshit over and over again....
am i tired enough of the bullshit to get over my fear of reality???
the thing of it is.... the reality is not as bad as i make it out to be.... i just have this fucking anxiety disorder that makes everything ten times worse than it is.... but the flipside of that is... How much of the anxiety is heightened by the smoking in the first place? more than i'd like to admit i'm sure....
and i really am tired of the questions.... i'm tired of not having the answers.... tired of being sluggish and unmotivated.... "sicker than sick of being tired"
"how loud does the alarm have to ring?"
i need my girls back playing in ny....
i'm sorry for hurting her.... i could have handled things better.... this is understated... but what can i really say? we've been here before... actions speak louder than words and my actions are absent.... it's impossible for me to say anything to make it better.... nothing i say will change anything.... or solve anything....
all i can do is apologize and leave her alone

current mood: drained

(2philosophersenlighten me )

Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
6:49 pm - for greg's memoirs
flying frozen heart boy.... flying over the family.... josh is definitely there and an unknown (as of yet) man that greg tries to figure out... who is this man? a future relative.... maybe he's having a premonition of some sort.... he does plan on going to the wedding.... mike's wedding..... the one thing i don't think i want to do.... i don't want to go.... and i don't have to.... it's not really drama.... i just don't want to go.... i would love to go to alabama and visit one day.... but not for that.... it would just be too weird for me....

current mood: high

(enlighten me )

Sunday, September 28th, 2003
11:12 am - holy shit
what the fuck... don't know... it gets so damn hot... what's the fucking problem? not sure what's wrong with me, but if this can work as just sex.... i will be fucking amazed.... i am too tired and mentally worn out to think of non-curse words to describe what is happening right now...
can two women successfully have sex with no other attachment? there is something there sexually for sure.... but i can't say anything else because that would defeat the entire process.... so just sex it is.... the only safe way of proceeding...
it may be the least selfish thing going on in my life.... it seems it is the only way i can give myself to her.... is something better than nothing?

current mood: contemplative

(4philosophersenlighten me )

Thursday, September 25th, 2003
11:37 pm - anxiety and the heart thumping nausea
been having a few of those anxiety attack type moments lately.... they're very quick though.... not as long lasting as they used to be... which is good... but they still really suck....
i feel really scared sometimes... and alone.... and i'm not alone at all... but in a way i am....
i need the equal out there... not the equal, but the compliment, the balance...
i want to share, but it has to be real....
i think i've gotten accustomed to the single life to the point where if i did get into a relationship i wouldn't know how to deal with losing all that personal space and alone time.... i can't win.... i need my space but don't want to feel alone.... i think i'm just having a moment....
this is what leaving your phone on discreet does to you..... you have an enjoyable evening of couch potato fun with your roomies... only to get up at the end of it and see that you missed a few phone calls.... and then you listen to the messages....
one friend who sounds like she really needed to talk.... and mom with a 3 part message... part 1, some chick i used to know who lived in the same development is now a mother (she stressed that she doesn't know if she's married, but she has a baby), part 2, from what she surmised of what she saw of "the bachelor" last night, some chick committed suicide... or tried to.... and part 3, she and my grandmother will be spending christmas in albuquerque or however the fuck you spell that....
it was like an after thought... oh yeah, and we're not going to be here for christmas.... hmmm.... nothing like abandoning the kids on the holidays.... not that vicki, greg and i are children... but i mean it's the first christmas since aunt cathy and uncle paul moved... and now they're going to be in new mexico..... my guess is that this christmas is gonna be a bit on the lonely side of things for me.... but i guess it's a bit early to tell.... as non-religious as i am... christmas really is my favorite holiday.... it's nice to be all together and to try to find really cool gifts for everyone just to see reactions and stuff.... and of course it's always fun to see what people will come up with for me.... :)
it just makes me think more about my future and what it holds for things just like this... holidays.... all those times that i'm used to being surrounded by my family and all the love.... will i ever have my own family.... i will never be my grandmother that's for sure.... but i think it would be nice to have something that i helped to create and cultivate.... what funny terminology i'm using.... i don't really know what i want... but i do know that i don't want to be old and lonely..... i need to have people around...
i need to make a change in my life.... i need to do something.... i can't keep floating through.... i need to find direction... .i need something to inspire me.....
when will i be inspired again?

current mood: scared

(1philosopherenlighten me )

Thursday, September 11th, 2003
8:51 pm - another one of those weird "coincidences"
Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com) GEMINI - Thursday, September 11, 2003
Issues regarding love and romance are at a climactic point in your life right now, dear Gemini, and you could be rather combative at this time. Your energy in this area of your life is may come in waves, and you are likely to be so charged up about the situation that you feel like a time bomb about ready to explode. Make sure you aren't destroying something wonderful by wanting a great deal more than you really need.



Thu Sep. 11, 2003 by Astrocenter.com - TAURUS
It may feel like there is a hole in your heart today, dear Taurus, and you may have a hard time filling it. Remember that you are the one responsible for making sure this void is taken care of. If you insist that someone else fill the gap, you are setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. Do something nice for yourself and feel free to spend a little money on making yourself happy.

kinda makes me swallow hard.... but i have control of my decisions.... it's just interesting how a horoscope can reflect the exact opposite of how a situation may or may not play out.... it's all very bizarre and i'm not sure if i'm expressing it well... but who cares...

i was shouting at work today.... i just thought of it now... not sure what triggered that train of thought, but again... who cares....

life is sooooo weird.... it's just weird.... i'm tired of fighting though... i'm at a place where i'm very close to comfortable.... that's weird... i mean i'm not all that bad off.... i have a plan in motion... i'm really going to start saving money.... i long to be debt free and calm.... i think i can pay off my debt if i start being more stingy with my spending.... but i really haven't been spending money on anything... only groceries.... that's like all i buy.... oh, and um, stuff that helps me relax.... but that's it... i suppose i really could save some good money if i cut out the shit.... yeah, duh... big fat duh.

what can ya do... live and learn and who knows when i'll break free of it.... for now i have hope that i really am getting closer and closer everyday to being relaxed and comfortable... because in the end that's all i really want out of life.... is to be able to relax and be comfortable.... oh, and love, someone to share it with....

current mood: relaxed

(1philosopherenlighten me )

Sunday, September 7th, 2003
11:01 pm - so what difference does it make.....
the new skin.... livejournal's new look... it's a bit bizarre... but whatever....
i really could care less just didn't know how to start this semi-forced journal entry.... not that i mind.... sometimes you (i) need to be forced into things... and then there are some things that seem to just kinda fall into place...
one freaky right-on horoscope, one week ago (actually last saturday's).... one night holding on pause... pushing down feelings that were making me tingle... i haven't tingled in a long time.... i didn't expect any of this...
people really do (can) change... i think the both of us are significantly different now then we were almost 3 years ago... and maybe that seems like a "duh" kind of statement... but it's not.... time is such an impossible puzzle... for something that is constant... it's so damn inconsistent.... time drags and time flies.... 8 years ago this time i was going out with cathy.... and having a mad crush on dave.... 8 years! holy shit.... that's a long ass time ago.... i mean for someone who is twice my age... maybe eight years isn't quite as much... but as a 27 year old human.... 8 years is a big chunk of my life.... i'm glad that dave and i have re-established a friendship of sorts.... funny how it took him moving all the way to buffalo for this to be accomplished.... my relationship with dave will always baffle me.... but whatever the case may be.... i hope that i will always know him and what he's up to.... he's a good guy.... anywho.... back to my point.... people can change a good deal in only a few years...
kris called me tonight and we were talking about this exact thing.... she said something to the effect of... "it's amazing how people can love certain people at different points in time" that's not what she said... but it was something like that.... like how people are just ready at different times and sometimes after it's all over you still have that place in your heart for them but you don't really know them anymore.... but they keep that little piece.... it's all very poetic indeed... :::::: smile :::::::
i'm not sure if i said i loved her hands last night or just really liked them... but i totally love those hands.... not sure what it was but i was mesmerized watching our hands intertwined.... i feel like i could stay in those moments for hours...
blue eyes..... also mesmerizing... everything is so fresh and new yet so familiar and comfortable.... there is a passion there.... potential for immense intensity... the possibilities are endless... i love just being in her arms... i love that it seems we are both more willing to listen to each other then ever before... that i have matured enough to not always be right.... to admit when i'm wrong.... to have the patience i lacked.... it just feels like there is such a potential for great growth for both of us... maybe i'm crazy.... i don't know....
i can barely keep my eyes open right now... and i want her to be on so i can chat with her for a bit before bed.... even though she basically dismissed me for the night when we were on the phone earlier... ::::::: smile :::::::;
i have moments of insecurity... but i squash them as best i can.... i'm afraid of investing my heart.... i think i've been afraid of it for quite awhile actually.... but i feel like i want to try with this one.... perhaps i am losing my mind.... or perhaps i am simply changing and growing....

current mood: contemplative

(2philosophersenlighten me )

Saturday, September 6th, 2003
12:27 am - good grief
grief is what i'm getting right now... but it's okay... i like her.... she can give me a bit of grief.... i think about her a lot and i think about holding her and just being with her... and fuck the world....
i need sleep.... wish she was here...

current mood: sleepy

(1philosopherenlighten me )

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