Lunachick (tylerdurden521) wrote,
Lunachick
tylerdurden521

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anxiety and the heart thumping nausea

been having a few of those anxiety attack type moments lately.... they're very quick though.... not as long lasting as they used to be... which is good... but they still really suck....
i feel really scared sometimes... and alone.... and i'm not alone at all... but in a way i am....
i need the equal out there... not the equal, but the compliment, the balance...
i want to share, but it has to be real....
i think i've gotten accustomed to the single life to the point where if i did get into a relationship i wouldn't know how to deal with losing all that personal space and alone time.... i can't win.... i need my space but don't want to feel alone.... i think i'm just having a moment....
this is what leaving your phone on discreet does to you..... you have an enjoyable evening of couch potato fun with your roomies... only to get up at the end of it and see that you missed a few phone calls.... and then you listen to the messages....
one friend who sounds like she really needed to talk.... and mom with a 3 part message... part 1, some chick i used to know who lived in the same development is now a mother (she stressed that she doesn't know if she's married, but she has a baby), part 2, from what she surmised of what she saw of "the bachelor" last night, some chick committed suicide... or tried to.... and part 3, she and my grandmother will be spending christmas in albuquerque or however the fuck you spell that....
it was like an after thought... oh yeah, and we're not going to be here for christmas.... hmmm.... nothing like abandoning the kids on the holidays.... not that vicki, greg and i are children... but i mean it's the first christmas since aunt cathy and uncle paul moved... and now they're going to be in new mexico..... my guess is that this christmas is gonna be a bit on the lonely side of things for me.... but i guess it's a bit early to tell.... as non-religious as i am... christmas really is my favorite holiday.... it's nice to be all together and to try to find really cool gifts for everyone just to see reactions and stuff.... and of course it's always fun to see what people will come up with for me.... :)
it just makes me think more about my future and what it holds for things just like this... holidays.... all those times that i'm used to being surrounded by my family and all the love.... will i ever have my own family.... i will never be my grandmother that's for sure.... but i think it would be nice to have something that i helped to create and cultivate.... what funny terminology i'm using.... i don't really know what i want... but i do know that i don't want to be old and lonely..... i need to have people around...
i need to make a change in my life.... i need to do something.... i can't keep floating through.... i need to find direction... .i need something to inspire me.....
when will i be inspired again?
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