Lunachick (tylerdurden521) wrote,
Lunachick
tylerdurden521

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the inevitable has come to be

well, how long did it last? i don't even know... the last couple of months are a whirlwind of vascillating emotions and thoughts.... tried to do everything right... failed again...
there were supposed to be no expectations.... no responsibilities... just sex.... i'm told i'm the one who didn't let that happen... i'm not sure how that is even possible....
i never asked her to change for me.... never wanted her to change for me....
i've been told i'm a fucking worthless whore.... wow... worthless.... i can handle the fucking whore part.... but worthless??? that's just not nice...
perhaps this is the kick in the ass i needed.... maybe i will get my act together now.... really clean up and fly right.... be as responsible as i can be.... right now i'm only minimally responsible.... i'm sure i can improve in leaps and bounds....
as sarcastic as this may all sound.... there of course is a grain of honesty involved... as usual.... it is my choice to remain pinned under the crutch of dope... the fear of dealing with my life without the excuses.... scary!!! i'm 2/3rds of the way to 40... how much more time/life do i want to waste?
separate from all the goings on of the last two months is the same old story that has been there all along.... i'm never going to find someone who will make me happy... until i'm happy on my own, without the crushing crutch....
until i have the strength and balls to stop being led around my an herb.... i will have to deal with the bullshit over and over again....
am i tired enough of the bullshit to get over my fear of reality???
the thing of it is.... the reality is not as bad as i make it out to be.... i just have this fucking anxiety disorder that makes everything ten times worse than it is.... but the flipside of that is... How much of the anxiety is heightened by the smoking in the first place? more than i'd like to admit i'm sure....
and i really am tired of the questions.... i'm tired of not having the answers.... tired of being sluggish and unmotivated.... "sicker than sick of being tired"
"how loud does the alarm have to ring?"
i need my girls back playing in ny....
i'm sorry for hurting her.... i could have handled things better.... this is understated... but what can i really say? we've been here before... actions speak louder than words and my actions are absent.... it's impossible for me to say anything to make it better.... nothing i say will change anything.... or solve anything....
all i can do is apologize and leave her alone
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