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Thursday, August 21st, 2003
11:01 pm - i tried to get to this last night...
but i failed miserably... this week has flown by... crazy fast.... my supervisor was out most of the week so that definitely helped the work day go by... tomorrow is going to be a bit hectic... but it's friday and it will be over at 5pm.... not sure what's going on tomorrow night... saturday is the packed day and night.... jay and his woman, mary, are coming down from oswego... they are going to arrive sometime on saturday... then greg and i are going to see Tori Amos with Ben Folds opening... should be an awesome show, although i don't know tons of tori songs these days.... oh well, she's awesome so it doesn't really matter...
and i think jay is having a get together here at the apartment while greg and i are at the show, and vicki is off on her cruise with mike... so i'm kinda leery about a bunch of "strangers" in the house with izzy... i mean, she knows jay... but she won't know anyone else who is coming over... unless julia is coming, which i imagine she would be.... but who knows.... i really owe her a fucking phone call... JULIA, calling JULIA.... come over saturday... he ehee.. actually i haven't even spoken to jay so i don't know if people are actually coming over or not... nothing is ever real until after it happens....
i need to get out some... i've still been in hibernation mode... the most activity i've had the last few weeks was seeing Lynch in Levittown... i can't count shopping... although i've done plenty of that... walking up to starbucks..... the bank.... walking izzy.... but nothing social... which although is nice at times... sometimes i do feel the need to be social with people other than my roommates...
it's amazing how much activity AR shows really did fill my weekends with... the drought is killing me.... is that how you spell that? whatever...
saturday night is going to be very cool...
i should go look for a job...

current mood: groggy

(1philosopherenlighten me )

Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
9:53 pm - it's been a long ass time
it's weird to write in here on this freaking laptop... the keys are so smooth and they have no depth... and the backspace is awkward and it's really easy to hit caps lock on accident... but i'm getting used to it i think.... i'm still with this stupid ass cold... it just won't leave me, but i at least have my energy back... last week i was in a bad way...
i have the apartment to myself tonight, for a few hours at least... it's kinda nice... i can dig it... julia was supposed to come over tonight but she slept... it's all good though... i was feeling a quiet night tonight...
work still blows and august will mark my year there.... i'll see what happens and if anything is said about a review or anything.... and if nothing happens... even if something does happen... i really need to look at other things.... this job is just not healthy for me.... i feel so uncomfortable there... ruins entire days of my life... who needs that!?
sitting on this ottoman and typing on this laptop is not healthy for my back or my neck... wish i had something of more substance to add here.... but i don't....
i'll have to take a look around this wonderful town i now call home.... i realized today that i have no idea what's around me these days.... i mean besides for the immediate surrounding blocks.... i must explore...perhaps one of the not so damn hot days....
i need to research computers soon...

current mood: blah

(enlighten me )

Saturday, June 21st, 2003
2:31 pm - what it really means is that i was obsessed with Fight Club for awhile
tylerdurden521
Magic Number13
JobPorn Star
PersonalityMultiple
TemperamentAll Bark, No Bite
SexualIf I Have To
Likely To WinA Place On The Bench (For The Reserves)
Me - In A WordUnique
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack

(enlighten me )

Monday, June 16th, 2003
11:41 pm - mini-saviors and good stuff
so erin has been cool enough to ask me if i want to ride into the city this weekend with her to the AR shows... who'd have thunk it.... yay... it should be an interesting and positive experience for me all the way around i think... she and john are two really cool people and i felt really comfortable with them at the amagansett gig... i have like no anxiety.... woohoo... it's a banner moment... my only anxiety stems from lasting through the day and night.... :) can i make it? first the 5pm show at the East River Park Amphitheatre and then at 10pm they will be playing at Sin-e... somewhere btwn Houston and Stanton.... two new ones for me... it will be fun! hope the weather isn't too bad...
i saw miami sunday night... briefly... but it left a lasting impression... got me through a monday at work with basically no stress.... sweeet... she seemed so familiar when i looked in her eyes... and familiar in a way that i wasn't even expecting or ready for... sometimes surprises are good...
i was talking to kris tonight and i really hate the situation she's in... and it makes me feel silly talking to her about miami... but she asks and once i'm asked, well... i can't help but talk about her... the woman who sits behind me at work thinks i'm crazy... but that's okay... i'm not about to ignore such a strong energy... i would always wonder then... and what good is that?
so mom and grandma leave for florida on thursday morning... i'll have the house to myself for 4 days... probably won't do anything FUN with that time... but i hope to be somewhat productive... get some shit together and organized in preparation for the move... greg spoke with the landlord again and we are a go.... i have to remember to ask around if anyone is interested in a 2 br apt in scenic Huntington Village... that's all the landlord asked of us, was to try to find someone to take over the apt. vix and greg are abandoning....
okay... perhaps i will get some sleep tonight...
zzzzzzzzz

current mood: calm

(1philosopherenlighten me )

Sunday, June 15th, 2003
1:48 am - izzy... don't eat shit off the rug...
i don't know what the hell she could possibly be eating... i just vacuumed today.... i have no idea how to spell vacuum... vaccum? i really don't know.... i've always had a mental block against that word.... i'm writing all kinds of fucked up.... i had a couple of beers tonight.... one at stout's... then we eventually ended up at the diner about an hour between.... there i had another beer..... i was already kinda funky after just one.... perhaps because i had smoked a couple of hours earlier... i don't know... but i got home and took izzy out and then came in and smoked a bowl... (what adult behavior)... speaking of being an adult... today a few of my mom's cousins came over.... it was a very interesting experience for me... and greg as well i think.... it was cool to see the interaction between the generation before us of luna cousins.... and my mom's cousin rick looks so much like my grandfather it's a bit spooky... but really really really cool all at the same time.... these 3 cousins of my mom's happen to be 2 brothers and a sister... so it could have been equated to like.... me getting together with greg, jay and vicki 20 years from now.... what a fucking bugout... it's making me feel all funky inside.... like i'm bugging a bit.... maybe it's because me, greg, jay and vicki are the only single one's left.... or so it seems... that just dawned on me... although now vicki is engaged to mike.... which i have to say i have my worries with that relationship.... they are a little freaky together.... and frankly.... i don't really feel like vicki wants to marry mike any time soon.... i'm not sure who i would discuss that with... i mean i think i could discuss it with jay or greg.... i mean it's just observation and opinion.... i just worry for them... everything happened so fast.... it was like a whirlwind... they set a date that is like forever in the future... and it's the anniversary of the day he had his heart surgery.... i don't know... that kinda freaks me out a little bit... of course i'm also completely zooted right now... i don't even really know how i'm typing.... what i really want to be doing right now is hanging out with miami... or at least talking to her... telling her all sorts of things that i shouldn't... letting my mind imagine things that i shouldn't... i may meet her soon... it's in the works... i have no idea what we're going to do or where we're going to meet... not a clue... i have met quite a few people offline before and never had this much anxiety over it... the whole thing is just crazy.... but it's so filling.... i feel like i had so many things going on tonight.... i feel like i touched on most... but i'm not sure that i finished a single thought in this entire entry... but that's okay... because this is strictly an exercise in creative psychology slash poetry (yes i wrote out the slash because i want to make sure it is read as such) but for who to read?
i love when i sing a random song in the morning after i shower and then 14 hours later it comes on.... :)
slow ride take it easy slow ride take it easy slow ride take it easy slow ride take it easy slow ride take it easy
i'm in the mood the rhythm is right
move to the music you're on all night
oooooooo slow ride
oooooooo slow ride take it easy
or something like that.... i was so born in the wrong decade... but i make the most of it now.... i listen to all kinds of music... but when it comes down to it... i always end up going back to "classic rock".... perhaps that's why i really dig Antigone Rising so much... because they are so classic rock but so fresh at the same time.... and the fact that they're all beautiful and talented doesn't hurt either... i look forward to the day when all these people around me first hear AR's single and it sails them to stardom.... they'll all be like... hey, isn't that the band you followed around for years.... and i'll be like, yeah.... hello... i tried to explain to y'all.... you just don't know what you're missing....
i think i'm beginning to pass out... but i really don't want to go to sleep just yet...
wow they just went from FOGHAT's "SLow Ride" to EDGAR WINTER's "FRee Ride".... interesting.... if that was totally random, it's pretty funny....
20 years from now i will be 47.... but 20 years still feels really long to me... and for some reason.... 47 still seems really far away... i wonder if aging will ever really truly bug me out... because so far... it hasn't really.... (wow, really enough?!) i should probably just go to sleep... but i want to write... i was looking at my lj calendar the other night.... and i realized this is my 3rd year writing in this thing... when i first started i wrote in it a lot... then it would waiver a bit.... then there were some months that i didn't even post once.... then it would flare up again... and this seems to be one of those flares... i'm sure if i read through them all i could analyze it all and maybe have another epiphany.... but fuck it....that's pretty funny....
i think i really should get a haircut... i can't even describe my hair right now.... i feel like some action p.i. from a 70's tv show or something...... this curly fro.... it's outta control.... am i gonna end up just shaving it all off again anyway??? most probably.... why am i doing it? just to go through with something i guess....

current mood: high

(enlighten me )

Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
11:27 pm - someone saved my life tonight
elton john just gave me the chills.... doesn't happen all that often, but it did just now... enough to make me consider buying some of his stuff... hmmm... i do have a tower gift certificate burning a hole in my pocket thanks to julia...
tonight was a very positive sports night for me... but let me backtrack for a moment... greg and i went out to the macaroni grill for dinner.... yummy... then we came back here and watched 3 games... mets, nets and yanks... i was extremely pleased with the outcome of all three games...
i got one of those e-mails today that makes ya crazy... in a good way... where has my reality gone anyway? i don't really care at the moment i have to say... what's so great about reality anyway? who's to say what's real? what makes something real? i think all it takes is two people connecting and believing... maybe that sounds psychotic... maybe i am psychotic... who cares? i'm still living my life... i'm still having a good time... my life may be far from perfect... but this is my life... and i love it to be quite frank... through all the mistakes, the poor choices, the fuckups.... everything is an experience... and that's what life is all about... experiences... good experiences are happening all the time... we take them for granted... we concentrate on the negative.... that's why this world is so repressed... we just focus on the bad shit... no one appreciates all the subtle goodness and beauty that could surround us if we let it.... oh well... where has this rant taken me....
i think that schizophrenia is awesome... in the true sense and definition of the word awesome... perhaps i should pay more attention to some things in my life... i feel like i have opened so many doors in my life... but that there are an infinite amount out there still waiting....
can you be saved by the very thing that others might consider your biggest threat?
abren los ojos

current mood: quixotic

(enlighten me )

Sunday, June 1st, 2003
11:55 am - sunday already?
i don't really feel like, sunday already?, is the perfect title for this entry... but i didn't feel like thinking... last night i took a page from kris's sleeping habits and decided to sleep on the sofa in my livingroom... i slept with my sleeping bag over me and of course izzy nuzzled in whatever open space she could find.... izzy really needs to live forever...
i have been a complete bum since i got home friday night/saturday morning.... yesterday i didn't do shit but watch t.v. and read online... watched the MATRIX which julia got me for my b-day so now i'm ready to go see RELOADED in the theaters... i MUST see it on the big screen dammit! then i watched MONSTERS INC. with my mother, no wait... first we played YAHTZEE and PIG... what an exciting saturday huh! i need that every now and again though....
so my mom came downstairs and i woke up around 8:30am... she went food shopping and i decided to get up and get the vaccuuming done... up and down... finally my room is livable again.... perhaps next week i will organize it AGAIN...
there are so many good sporting events on the tube today that i feel a repeat of yesterday coming on.... french open, roger clemens (just to see him fail again hopefully, ha ha ha), liberty on at 4... mets on at 8.... and i'm set...
i need a drink....

current mood: awake

(enlighten me )

Friday, May 30th, 2003
12:13 am - smiles are good
just when you think you've lost your mind... someone can come along and make you realize... you're not crazy... well, at least you're not alone.... which is good enough for me...
everything happens for a reason... it is soooo true...
every once in awhile i'll have an experience that makes me feel really connected to the energies of the earth and space and just the whole realm of life.... the fact that while sitting in my car i felt someone's presence so strongly... only to find out later that the person was there.... it blew my mind... it's blowing my mind still now...
it's been clearly stated to me that this endeavor to grow this relationship is basically pointless... i mean friendship is a wonderful thing... and if that's what i'll have to settle for yet again... so be it... but i'm not ready to stop being giddy and stupid.... i'm not ready to stop smiling when i think about how many interesting similarities we share... how there seems to be such an ease of understanding and a great flow of communication.... even when stumbling over sticky subjects... everything seems to come back together just fine....

you didn't mean to lead me on
i took it to the place i wanted
it wouldn't have mattered
i wouldn't have cared
i'm stubborn
you were there
you were there

you were living out my fantasy
the dream i dreamed of you
surrounding my senses
with the reality of you
i'm amazed
you were there
you were there

--------------------------------
i'm thinking that could be a song.... maybe one day i'll finish it... maybe it will be an ongoing work... maybe i'll start to really write again... maybe maybe maybe.... i can't believe she was there.... and i felt it... i want to feel in my dreams tonight how good some of my smiles tonight felt...
i wonder when my time will come to share a connection with someone who is available.... ahhh... even that brings a smile to my face...
i find myself wishing i had her phone number... wishing i could talk to her at anytime i wanted or needed to.... here i go again getting all gooey.... gotta cut it....
i want to go to sleep now just so that i can dream and remember more of what happened tuesday at lunchtime....


you made it real

current mood: geeky

(enlighten me )

Thursday, May 29th, 2003
9:37 pm - duh
so yeah... i'm an ass sometimes.... last night i wrote the stupidest e-mail i've probably ever written... or close to it i'm sure.... not sure exactly what i was thinking.... although i knew i shouldn't have sent it last night... but i did anyway.... i just re-read it... good lord... i feel like such a dope... i'm always getting ahead of myself.... sticking my foot in my mouth...
i'm not sure if i have some kind of psychological issue that causes me to be a complete idiot when i connect with someone on an intellectual level... i mean i sounded like some kind of freak.... if i got an e-mail like that from someone in the same circumstance.... i'd probably be like... wtf? i don't even know you....
i'm gonna have inner trust issues if i don't already... i let my emotions get the better of me.... i hate when i do that... maybe another reason why i am normally pretty closed off emotionally.... but shit, when that door opens... watch out for the rushing waters....
tomorrow night i'm going to see AR... and saturday night... tomorrow night is special for me though... shan has confirmed that she is going to come in for the show.... that reminds me i need to print out the train schedule... i can't wait to see her.... it's gonna be so cool! woohoo! i guess we probably won't have much of a chance to chat... but we shall see.... it's gonna rock.... at the same time i'm a little nervous... i always get nervous before shows... i'm a freak like that... peace and love peace and love.... that's all.... feel the AR vibe... driving to Rhode Island again is gonna kill me i think.... this will be the third saturday in a row involving a 200+ mile drive... and RI is up and back... zzzzzzzz, i'm tired just thinking about it....
as of yesterday it was possible that 10:30ish would be a good time for a chat.... can't help but wonder if that will occur... or if it won't... i feel like writing something... creatively.... but i'm not quite there just yet....

current mood: uncomfortable

(enlighten me )

Tuesday, May 27th, 2003
11:02 pm - occupying my time
i just realized i never called kris... bad me... i was supposed to call her tonight and tell her all about my weekend... and what's going on in my life... i meant to do that too.... but my mind wandered... i ended up going upstairs and cleaning up a bit and doing a load of laundry... and making a mix... which i'm listening to right now and enjoying immensely at the moment.... it's not for me though...
greg ended up coming over after he left grandma's... we sat in my room and bullshitted, watched the mets and yanks... smoked some.... and i continued to make my mix...
i have the entire world blocked right now... well almost... but it just feels so relaxing... i can just sit and chill and write... and that's okay... i'm allowed to do that... alone time is not prohibited...
work today was so dreary... everyone is so gloomy lately... i think the weather probably has a lot to do with it... everyone is so tired of the rain... today could have been such a pleasant day for me... i was in a pretty good mood from the weekend and last night and then i get to work and it's like being thrown into a prison work camp or something.... it's depressing! i have to stick it out for a little while though since i'm going to be moving out of my house and all.... i can't afford to play around with my income.... at the same time that i'm playing it safe i should also be getting up off my ass and researching jobs or possible business opportunities... i'll never find something better by sitting around and doing nothing... i have to at least try to look....
wow, you ever hear a song again for the very first time... you know what i mean... i just heard something totally for the first time in a song i've listened to hundreds of times... i think i like the stereo i bought for my mom's livingroom.... i think i'm going to switch with my mom and take the smaller one from the livingroom to my apartment and give my mom the big one i have in my room.... it actually functions like each rack still works... and she can have her record player back.... i hijacked it... so much going on..... grandma has to have eye surgery... she won't be able to drive for weeks.... but it's all just a prelude anyway... she has a degenerative eye disease and it's most likely that she'll be blind before she dies.... it's really hard to deal with that for me.... my grandmother is my rock.... it's true.... i don't know if i've ever fully expressed that to her and i wish i was better at doing so with my family... i don't know why i have a problem being affectionate with my family... i mean i hug and all... but i'm just kinda closed up in that avenue... at least i feel like i am... maybe it's just me... but i think i'm being pretty objective considering... anyway... i love my grandmother and depend on her in ways that i can't even put into words... i am scared for when she dies.... i think i will be very much wrecked by it.... i don't even want to think about it... but it's hard not to... the older she gets... the more often the thought crosses my mind... it just does.... i hate that... now i'm thinking about my mother... and that freaks me out too.... my aunt and uncle just moved down to florida after having lived within an hour or less of my mom for my entire life.... most of the 6 "children" (my cousins) are grown, married and off on their own in other states.... only vicki and greg are left on long island.... what was once a huge luna occupancy of long island has dwindled to myself, my mother, grandma, vicki and greg... i worry about my mom when my grandma dies.... i think that it will be just as hard on her, i can't tell who it would be harder on.... i honestly just don't know.... i think we are all going to be deflated for a good amount of time.... she has been so dependable, not always in a good way... but she was pretty predictable.... even if she gave you a hard ass time over shit.... you knew she would.... you just deal with it and move on.... and yeah she's done some questionable things... but she would never turn her back on any of us, no matter how much she disagreed with what we did or got into... i'm talking like she's about to die, but i'm not thinking that... it's just the thought that comes and goes more often... and now a surgery.... that's how i lost my grandfather... to a surgery.... i just don't like anything medical....
i have to change the subject... i am so fucking thirsty and i'm like a spazz who can't remember to get a damn drink... this mix is pretty cool.... definitely dangerous depending on the mood...
i'm having dinner at grandma's tomorrow night with my mom... i'm looking forward to the meal...
i think i'm going to smoke a cigarette now... and perhaps if i have another burst of babble i'll add more later... or maybe not...

current mood: calm

(enlighten me )

Thursday, May 22nd, 2003
10:55 pm - don't you want somebody to love....
don't you need somebody to love.... once again the classic rock music channel is tuned in on my satellite receiver.... i really truly was born a couple decades late.... i should be pushing 50.... not 30.... but here i am.... i can reminisce in my own odd way.... jefferson airplane... my exposure to airplane is almost 99% due to CHINA BEACH... i don't know, maybe i heard their stuff prior to CHINA BEACH... and just wasn't so aware of it... but that show brought that band into my life.... it was GO ASK ALICE that was featured in one episode... and that got me to buy SURREALISTIC PILLOW... and presto change-o...
it's only 11pm... i have a chance at actually getting some decent sleep tonight... will it happen??? we shall see.... shan was online tonight... she is still planning on coming to the VU show... however she has not been able to fully commit... i got a, "i should make the show" what the hell is that? it's kinda weird the closer it gets though, i mean i am almost kinda getting nervous at the idea of seeing her... how bizarre is that? i have butterflies and chills right now just thinking about it.... i just want everything to go smoothly with her getting to the show on time and us meeting up with her and getting in and getting a decent view... shan NEEDS TO SEE THEM!!! i warned her that she would be forever changed after next friday night.... i can't imagine that she wouldn't love them... but good lord, if she doesn't love them after friday night.... then it is the right thing that we didn't end up together.... i'm so funny... you'd think she broke up with me.... so weird to think that i broke up with her.... i think it was only because she didn't have the, i don't know what she didn't have, but neither one of us were happy at the end.... why didn't she break up with me? it was such a mellow break up considering we were living together and had been dating for 35 months.... jesus... that's a lot of months... that's probably more months than all the rest of my somewhat serious relationships put together.... that's not accurate.... my relationship with cathy is so fuzzy to me at this point.... i know that we started officially going out in july of 1995.... and i think we were together for 11 months and then cathy broke up with me for rob.... that's when i started getting closer with dave and ended up with him.... then cathy wooed me back.... so i was back with cathy for awhile again.... then i broke up with her to get back with dave.... and that was the end of cathy and i for good.... but then i was with dave off and on about 6 breakups and makeups if i remember correctly and that took me right up to my 21st birthday in may of 1997.... then i kinda lived with darlene on campus and we had that thing we had.... then darlene called me one night and said 'guess where i am'... and the rest is really history.... i hooked up with shan and we officially started going out in july of 1997 and were together until june of 2000.... it'll be three years since we broke up... that's crazy.... no wonder i'm craving real love so bad.... it's been 3 years since i last even sniffed it.... and by that time shan and i had pretty much fallen out of love.... we did continue to live together however for about 6 months after we broke up and we did have a few encounters as ex's that were quite enjoyable indeed.... the last one being in january of 2001 right before she started dating her current love.... the one i will probably never understand... because i will probably never get to see them interact due to the fact that shan and i can't even be friends due to the jealousy of her girlfriend and shan's sudden inability to stand up for herself.... but then this always brings me back to the conundrum of... am i just jealous... i don't think i'm jealous because she doesn't seem happy.... she's never got anything good to say about their lives together and how the relationship is... but then she talks about marriage... like seriously getting married and settling down and what not... this idea baffles me.... perhaps the one thing that really rings out in my head over and over is what shan said to me in one of our more recent phone conversations.... she said something like.... "i feel like i can't really be myself around her"............ um HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO! christ... how can you think about marrying someone you can't be yourself with.... what is that about? i don't get it... i don't know if she's scared of being alone... of starting over again... of never really finding true love.... or maybe she really is in love with this woman... but it just doesn't seem possible from her description of her girlfriend.... i never hear anything good... .i think the only cool thing i've heard about was that chris had bought her a violin for some occasion... and i thought that was a very cool and thoughtful gift.... but that was like the only positive thing i heard about in over 2 years!!!! everything else... thumbs down...
-------------- billy joe shot a man while robbin his castle, bobby sue took the money and run -----------------
musical interjection to cut the tension.... anyway... i'm not sure why i think so much about shan... it's probably just a longing for something that was so comfortable and pretty real and solid.... or at least something that could have been that way had i been a bit more mature when we were together.... but nothing i can do about that now.... it's irrational for me to "want her back", like kris had said, i don't want her i want that feeling.... she stirs that feeling in me though.... i will never forget the night we re-met.... i know i've probably written about this so many times but i guess it just makes me feel good... why else would i dwell on it over and over again.... it's kind of a dark twisted pleasure i guess... shan was so beautiful that night.... when i think of shan i will always picture that woman in my mind... i walked up the stairs... i pushed open the door to the little apt she once shared with nancy and there she was standing over a folding table, her hair short to her jaw line and covering the side of her face, then she looks up and smiles and i melt instaneously.... she was so beautiful... the most beautiful thing i had ever laid eyes on in my life.... and even to this day i cannot think of a more beautiful image that i've seen since.... it's amazing.... maybe i do love her.... maybe i love her in the caring ex g/f kinda way.... maybe i just don't want to see her get hurt... maybe i just don't want to see her waste what she has to offer on someone who can't give her back in return....
this camping excursion this weekend is going to be quite interesting.... i'll be without technology for basically 3 days.... ackk! i have so much to do tomorrow.... i have to figure out what i'm going to wear... what i'm going to bring to entertain myself.... i have to go out and get some like poncho type thing because it's gonna rain the whole damn weekend most likely.... i really don't want to take my car up to watkins glen.... she's been doing a lot of travelling lately... but hey, she's a car that's what she's supposed to do right? i don't feel like driving this weekend.... but that could have something to do with the fact that i'm dead ass tired right now.... i need to write out my bills tomorrow night too.... take care of shit before i disappear into the woods for a wet weekend of wonder.... it would have been to much to ask for my first camping excursion to have nice weather.... oh well... what can ya do? i'm not sure if i want to worry about the security of my camera on this trip.... if i brought it i wouldn't want to leave it laying around... but i wouldn't want to have to lug it around the entire time either.... and if it's going to be raining.... i just don't know.... if i had a camera case for it i'd probably feel a bit better about it.... i really need to get a case for that thing.... maybe i'll get some writing done this weekend... i should bring the boombox thingy i have and record some of our conversations to send to chris.... we'll see how ambitious i get tomorrow... so much shit to do.... poor planning on my part... i'm such a procrastinator... so bad!
okay my body is tired from this damn computer chair.... time for bed!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

current mood: discontent

(enlighten me )

12:14 am - let's try this again
i hate when i make the effort to pour my heart and soul out onto this cold hard computer image processor and end up having to hope and pray that when i hit back on my browser that i'll get my page back and be able to save what i just bled out.... luckily last night that worked and i was able to e-mail it to myself... this is the way i choose to save documents... is that odd? it's just quick and easy.... gets the job done ya know.... what does that say about me anyway? so my birthday was a pretty good one.... lots of phone calls which made me feel good and some pretty cool gifts.... greg's blown up pic of cass is just out of this world however.... they so need to do posters.... holy crap i know they would sell... is that awful of me? i know it's all about the music... but shit... a little positive advertisement couldn't hurt.... and visual advertisement is the most easily spread... i'm cracking myself up again... but i'm going to try to avoid using "lol" when i'm journaling... there's something slightly more psychotic about laughing to yourself and typing it in.... (once again congrats - i know and that's all that matters).... i'm sitting here agonizing over how i come off in these damn entries... what do people think when they're reading this? who is reading it anyway? is an online journal a complete exercise in narcissism.... what is the line between narcissism and art or freedom of expression... sharing... wanting to be explored.... there is such a fine line between everything in this world.... afraid to write everything that is in my mind... afraid of what i might find... what others might find... drifting off into my famous run-on thought mucked abrupt and disjointed yet eerily circular all at once... where am i? in the midst of yet another ramble... yet another conundrum, what is exploring, what is art, what is psychosis? TIME.... TIME.... TIME.... time has come today.....
afraid of what is real, of not knowing what is real... what is real? i'm not sure i care much anymore about the audience... but i do because i am still as i type each and every last letter thinking about what i am saying and not just typing all that is there.... censoring myself for my self.... it doesn't matter... what matters is love and happiness... al green knew what he was singing.... what more can one ask for in life.... that is all encompassing.... love and happiness.... what could you want more? it's all around you but you wouldn't know it.... bricked up... sheltered... or hiding.... scared of all that could go wrong.... scared of finding out maybe it really isn't there.... or maybe it's there... but not for you....
i refuse to believe that there is not another, if not a first great love in my life... i refuse to give up... but i refuse to settle as well... no more compromise... no more games... no more hurting innocent bystanders... those who try to break through and make a connection and they do... but i don't.... but i "try", no more trying... either it's there or it's not... no more pretending....
it's so hard to be real when you don't know what is real anymore? perhaps a sure sign of mental illness... or denial... or dramatic prose.... pick a medium any medium... what is your expression diversion tactic.... get down make love... queen has broken into my consciousness, the dangers of listening to music and trying to be serious about something and carry on sort of a conversation with ms drama central 2001, 2 and 3... why not give her all 3 years.... we are all a part of the drama.... la di da di da....
back to one reality for a moment.... i really don't want to go to work tomorrow... why don't i want to go to work? because my job is about as mentally stimulating as watching, you know what, i can't think of anything as boring... go figure! maybe things will liven up a bit when we're all in the same space in the other building... things will definitely be changing... i think the pres is definitely going to steal mark away from jenny... which means.... i'm gonna be probably stressed out at a boring mind-numbing job... and that's just really draining... because stressing over mind-numbing shit is just pointless.... and that means i'd be spending 9 pointless hours a day.... there's something wrong with that....
i'm fucking exhausted... why do i do this to myself... well this was my b-day so that's okay for an excuse today... but shit in general, what the fuck!?!?!? i need to get some normal sleep!
and if you happen to read this spydyr... thanks for the b-day wishes before... sorry i missed ya... not sure where to e-mail you and i'm too lazy to try to look it up right now...
sleep

current mood: lonely

(enlighten me )

12:09 am - i wrote this last night but livejournal was being a bitch
so here it is... from last night I guess it was probably May 21st around 12:15 or so when i finished... i don't remember:
okay maybe a bit later... :

Subj: journal
Date: 5/21/03 12:44:52 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: XLucyBerlinerX
To: XLucyBerlinerX


i want this entry to be guided by nothing but my thoughts... tonight i experienced yet again how generous i can be when i truly feel deeply for someone... it is bizarre for me to witness... is it selfishness, am i just completely selfish? what do i get out of being so giving to kris, that i don't get out of it with other people... like why do i give her so much and others so little of myself??? none of this is coming out right and now i've been interrupted by the biggest piece of unnecessary drama in my life right now.... a fan of AR that i just feel bad for and there is like this whole underground movement against her and i'm freakin' involved and it's totally going against my grain but yet feeding into these immature needs that are leftover high school level emotional needs... such bullshit.... i talk to her because i feel bad, guilty for being a part of this little secret society.... it really is like high school... but then i say to myself, well this chick is sooooo not withoug fault... she is completely over the top and annoying as all hell and she is physically intimidating and has threatened with force on occasion... so for that she is totally at fault... but the back and forth and drama about who needs recognition and who doesn't and the hypocrisy of it all.... i'm like, what the fuck is this shit? these are fans of a local rock band trying to make a name for themselves... and their loyal fan base is taking up space on the message board with petty stupid arguments and name calling... it's embarassing sometimes... and i feel like a schmuck for being a part of it at all.... i'm a big 'ol hypocrite for sure... but what can i do.... i'd rather feel welcomed than ostracized at this point in my life.... i guess i've regressed to high school after all.... like i'm talking to her right now as her friend, but i still posted in the ss today.... guess i should just cut it out.... just keep my nose out of that business altogether and be nice to everyone.... both sides took it to far in my mind... i'm getting a very um, what's that book???? with piggy and oh yeah, Lord Of The Flies.... i hate that shit.... look at this post... holy crap.... i will be 27 in hours and this could be the post of a high school sophomore! but i will credit myself with looking deeper into things and perhaps i can give myself some extra credit if i actually react to it and change my behavior... i have so many behavior modifications that i need to work on....
i wasn't bullshitting kris tonight... i really do try to look at it like, well maybe i'm not doing the job i want to be doing... and maybe i'll be in debt for several years, if not my entire life.... but what am i going to do, sit around and be miserable about it? fuck no! i'm gonna have as many good times as i can when i can! that's what life is all about right? you take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have, the facts of life... everybody sing now! yeah... so see, i really am feeling more positive about things... even though i will not deny i still will have my dark moments where life gets to me and i feel not so happy about things... but BIG BUT... it doesn't last so long and it doesn't stay with me....
but let me get back to something i was on before... about me being selfish.... why am i such a shit sometimes? i really am bad about doing stuff for people sometimes... i mean i'm really bad... i'm like a freaking princess half the time, people have to bend to what i want to do, and i really didn't see that for a long time... and i think sometimes i control situations without even realizing consciously what i'm doing... i'm a total manipulator... and it's so embedded in me i think... that it's almost subconscious... or like involuntary.... but then someone like kris can make me drop just about anything and be her rock of gibraltar if need be.. if nothing more than an ear.... i know she considers me only to be a really good friend... but yet i still do so much more for her than almost anyone else in my life... perhaps i'm a little tired and exaggerating a bit... i don't know.... i think i was like that with shan in the beginning as well... and i think that if shan called me and needed me she could still get me to act for her ( i went to the vet for her that time and mailed that crap to her when she was too lazy to come to long island herself ) shan's my girl.... for sure... i hope she comes to the VU show... i really really hope she does... i can't believe i haven't seen her in over a year... there's something so wrong about that.... the fact that she can't even tell her g/f that she talks to me is another freaking bs whatever... grrrrr... it just pisses me off! this has become quite the all over the place ramble... what else is new... i don't think i'm schizophrenic, i think i'm just lazy and have an attitude problem and am selfish.... that doesn't make me a schizophrenic does it now? i definitely admit that i'm very odd.... but mentally ill... hmmm...
kris is worried about breaking up with heather because she will end up losing her nightlife friends all over again... of course that's not all she's worried about... she's just upset in general about the whole prospect of someone being able to so easily walk away from something that was so strong for her... i guess the only time i've ever come close to that is with sabrina... i couldn't understand how she could just walk away and basically abandon me in every way after the intensity we shared senior year... but that was high school... since then i've almost always been the one to walk away most likely leaving the person i left wondering what kris is wondering to herself now... did it mean anything to her? did i mean anything? but why do i give so much to kris? is it because it's safe for me to give that much of myself to someone i know isn't going to take it??? like i know kris isn't interested, so in that way i can't get hurt? i have no idea! i'm thinking that might be close to accurate though... my relationship with shan was very mushy and lovey to start... and i think we were just at different stages in life and there were certain things that just didn't mesh well... i'm not sure how different things would be if we had met at this time in our lives instead... i am still smoking weed and working a job just to get by basically... what really has changed for me in the last few years? see i don't like to think about that because in a quick moment i can't see much change.... but i know i have definitely changed... i see more and more of myself and that is a scary but good thing... now the next step is to actually practice what i preach.... i have this quasi-healthier lifestyle kinda going on... watching what i eat, making fruit and veggies a more regular part of my diet... trying to exercise more... disciplining my dog, training my dog, moving out of my mother's house, getting over lingering fears such as driving to unknown places...
perspective is such an interesting phenomena... it amazes me sometimes what i see as so large and significant... i think, someone else must look at the same thing and see something so small.... and insignificant... perhaps that's just a form of self-deprication... i have no idea.... perhaps i just need to be asleep.... i have no idea... :)
perhaps it is a good thing that i have also added writing more often to my healthier lifestyle choices... i miss writing.... perhaps i will start some creative projects in here... we shall see what time allows.......... in other words... if i'm not lazy i'll write more........ sleep

current mood: annoyed

(enlighten me )

Tuesday, May 20th, 2003
1:02 am - something's happening here... what it is ain't exactly clear
stop child what's that sound everybody look what's going round....
yeah... so i took izzy over to huntington village to get acquainted with what will be her home in the future.... there's not all that much grass right near the apartment so we'll have to venture off the main strip for her to get a comfy relief zone... but she was really good in the apartment.... she didn't really bark at all until vix got home and she only barely greeted her vocally... i'm very happy with the small amount of progress that has already been made... before i left for h.v. i took izzy out here and sylvia came out of her house and izzy immediately started barking... but i told her no and held the leash a bit tighter and she stopped barking and actually let me have a conversation with my neighbor! alleluhiah! for real! it's ridiculous that this little bit of good behavior should get me so excited... but i really want her to be more sociable... more easily sociable i should say....
work went really quickly today and i have a feeling that will continue for most of the week... probably because the big camping excursion is this weekend and i'm totally looking forward to it... so really, with my luck you'd think the work week would drag... but after one day... it's moving along... so yeah, camping... i've never been so this will truly be an experience for me.... i did get a sleeping bag... vix and greg and mike are basically taking care of my responsibilities for this trip... thank god because i don't really know shit about camping... other than what i've seen on survivor :)
so tonight i'm out walking the dog in h.v. and greg is out with me and he says... "i have a secret" in that i really shouldn't be saying this kinda voice.... i'm like, huh? another one? 'cause the last time he said that was in the car on the ride home from RI when he decided to tell me he had some weed on him................ funny boy.... so yeah, he has another secret.... i'm guessing it's a b-day secret so i leave it alone... because believe it or not, sometimes i do like to be surprised.... but then later on we were all talking about the camping trip and greg was like, i think we need another chair... and vix is like, why do we need 5 chairs if there is only going to be 4 of us???? and greg is all... well i think we should just bring 5 (now mind you, greg had absolutely no reason to say that in front of me... he's worse than i am at keeping a secret, that's debatable... i have no idea how to spell that) anyway... so i guess someone else is coming with us on this camping trip.... and it's a surprise to me.... who the hell could it be? jay is the only one i could think of.... but that's impossible.... he's not due up here for awhile.... debi maybe? i don't think she wanted to do the nature thing.... i'm clueless.... should definitely be interesting for sure....
time for bed!

current mood: curious

(enlighten me )

Sunday, May 18th, 2003
7:23 pm - i'm back... back in the new york groove
have i mentioned how much i love the non-winter time of year.... bring on the spring... bring on the summer.... sunshine = life.... bring it!
there's only one other thing that could make my life a hundred times better right now.... a new job... but i think that hold's true for most people i know these days.... no one likes their job... of course it would be wonderful to fall in love at some point again in my life before i die.... but i'm gonna take it easy and let that flow... and just hope that it flows quickly... :)
it's interesting how much has changed in the short amount of time it's been since i broke things off with michele.... it's not so much that she was holding me back... but i was maybe using her as an excuse for not progressing.... but that's done... i'm on my own again and looking forward to growing and finding someone who wants to grow with me.... let's see how patient i can be...
moving out of my mom's house is going to be so liberating... it will be weird to live with a guy again... not like greg is any guy, he's my cousin... but i just haven't lived with a man since scott and he was no picnic.... but i think greg, vicki and i will make for good roomies.... and i can get out of my mother's house again! i never thought i'd be able to find a place again that would allow for all my animals... this is like a one time chance... and it's 3 years rent control... the landlord won't raise the rent... that's awesome...
the only scary part about moving in with greg is that it will be so easy to start smoking butts again.... i can't believe he starts smoking at 26 years old.... what the fuck? anyway... i'll do my best not to start up again... but it's gonna be tough...
next antigone rising show for me is may 30th at the village underground... i got a ticket for shannon in the hopes that she will actually come out... i haven't seen her in over a year and i miss her... so she'd better come out... i'll have to call her this week because she hasn't contacted me and i know she's going to try to wuss out of this.... it's so bad that i can't even have a friendship with her because of her current girlfriend's insecurities.... i can't understand shan and this woman... and i really can't believe they are talking about marriage... good lord.... when someone says to you "i just feel like i can't be myself".... that's not a good sign for a relationship... but they're talking marriage... hmmm... not sure when shan turned into a wuss, but it freaks me out a bit... and i'm pretty certain that it's not just a matter of jealousy on my part... i really don't have any reason to not be worried for her.... i only hear the bad stuff... what am i supposed to think!?!?!? well if she doesn't come out i have an extra ticket... which i'm pretty positive i won't have trouble getting rid of....
now michele has a football game in queens the next day after the VU show.... but AR also has another show in Rhode Island that saturday.... hmmmm.... dilemma.... maybe i can do both... let's see what time is that game....................................................................................... ok... it's at 3pm... i can most definitely do both if it comes down to it... hmmmm...
i need to start writing again.... i wrote something the other night.... where the hell did i put it......................................................................................... "yeah my heart is somewhere up inside my shoe or something... i don't know... i haven't seen it in ages, nor felt it.... i'm beginning to think i may have misplaced it last time it was broken"............................................................................. sounded more profound in the moment it was typed... however it did make me feel like it's still in me somewhere to write.... not sure what i'm afraid of, what keeps me from trying... maybe i feel like i shouldn't have to try.... like it should just come to me.... but maybe that's how i feel about a lot of things in life... and if you don't try... i don't know... seems more likely you'll miss out on a whole lot of shit....
i just want it to be 9pm so i can watch six feet under and then try to fall asleep so i can function tomorrow for work...
until we come up with that internet business i'll continue to be the carpet corporate whore....
inspiration now!

current mood: contemplative

(enlighten me )

4:02 pm - moving on up.... to the east side
yeah so i'm moving to huntington village... well if all goes according to plan... i'm moving to huntington village... greg and vicki are already out there in an apt, but the apt above them is opening up and it's way more spacious then what they've got now and it's a 3br + 2 full baths... i haven't seen it yet... but i know the structure because it's just the upstairs of where they are now... anyway... the landlord is really cool and loves my cousins... he's totally cool with all the pets as well... how could i pass up this opportunity... now mind you it's going to be more money than i'm spending now for rent... but it will be worth it....
i feel like so much is changing... even though maybe it's not so much.... to me it is...
i am trying to be a good girl with this whole diet and exercise thing... but it's been mostly diet and not a whole lot of exercise to this point.... i have to get off my ass and start working out more... i have been taking izzy out pretty regularly every night when i get home from work... we go on a nice mile or 2 walk... i'll have to clock it and see how far it actually is... but it usually takes about 35-45 minutes depending on how often she stops to sniff other dogs business.... and that walk really makes me feel good and i kinda look forward to it... which is a good sign...
i just ate far too much chinese food but i'm treating myself after yesterday's basic day of starvation... not on purpose it just kinda happened that way....
greg and i decided on a whim to drive to Rhode Island to see Antigone Rising... what an experience... needless to say i drove us up there as quickly as i could get away with... but once we got to providence we had to search for this place for about 45 minutes... sooooo, we caught about 3 songs... oh well... it was worth it.... and I DROVE TO PROVIDENCE RHODE ISLAND without issue.... another change for me!
so i'm dieting
exercising
moving out of my house
driving to new places
.... it's a start... spring really does bring new life... winter sucks!
i'm going to see Tori Amos with Ben Folds Five opening... how cool... i haven't seen Ben Folds Five live yet... i'm so looking forward to it... and i haven't seen Tori since 1996... outta control! i saw Pearl Jam with Debi and Rich and Greg in April (missed the AR show at the cutting room for that), we're going to see Pearl Jam again at MSG in july... and we don't know who is opening yet, but apparently Deb and Rich seem to think it will probably be someone big because it's the end of the tour or some shit... and it's MSG... we shall see... so i'm seeing other bands besides for AR... go figure...
i just randomly im'd someone who's screename is on my buddy list but there's no profile and i have no idea where i got the name.... hmmmm.... i really need to stop smoking so much weed.... that will be the ultimate change...
maybe she is an livejournal person... mmm... yeah... funny... my brain is mush...
more later maybe

current mood: curious

(enlighten me )

Saturday, May 10th, 2003
2:08 pm - thanks to random searching....
I am 60% Evil Genius

Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings.

Take the Evil Genius Test at fuali.com my god... al gore! have fun people....

current mood: bored

(enlighten me )

Thursday, March 27th, 2003
9:49 pm - owner of a lonely heart - YES
how funny that this song should be playing as i choose to write in my long neglected journal... feels as though it's been awhile anyway...
i've been hiding away from the world for awhile now i guess... out of a combination of selfishness, laziness, unhappiness and dissatisfaction... i don't know... something like that.... if i am to be perfectly honest.... i'm feeling like quite the loser some days... i'm taking absolutely no steps towards really changing anything in my life... i mean i stopped smoking cigarettes again on friday... but this is not going to solve my problems... .it is a small step somewhere i guess.... it feels like for the last i don't know how many months all i've been doing is working monday thru friday 8:30am to 5:30pm, coming home and getting high, going online and blocking the world and just doing AR stuff and talking to michele... or playing TOMB RAIDER on playstation... hello? how old am i? i'm going to be 27 years old in a couple of months... good lord it's creeping up quickly... what am i doing? i'm living home with my mom, paying rent at least, but still... i really need to get out of here.... i need my own place again... i miss having an apartment... but then something like tonight happens.... i'm home, there is absolutely nothing on tv that is of interest to me, i'm tired of being on the computer... i don't feel like driving anywhere because i know it will get me depressed because i'd just drive somewhere old and familiar that maybe reminded me of more fun times in my life.... blah blah blah.... i guess i'm just scared that i don't have it in me to change... to do better for myself... i feel like i'm never going to make the effort... i'm not sure what it is that holds me back... why am i so afraid? what am i so afraid of? failure? looking like an idiot? the years are kinda flying by already and i'm only 26... this is not old... yet it feels old.... how am i going to feel 5 years from now if i'm still sitting here like this... that should be my fucking motivation huh.... what the fuck yo.... i need to get a life and quick....
which brings me to my lovelife... my girlfriend.... what am i doing? i am not in love.... i want to be so badly.... i don't know if i will ever fall in love with michele... but i do care about her.... and i like hanging out with her.... but there is just so much lacking from the relationship.... well not even that there's a lot lacking... but something is definitely missing... maybe it's the fact that we disagree on a lot of political/social type issues... but i mean, jesus... i can't believe that it is only that that keeps me from falling.... maybe it's the age difference... i don't think so... i think i just am embarassed by her for some reason... like she's embarassing.... i don't know... she's just got this really overwhelming personality at times and she's like a polar opposite of me... whereas i'm completely laidback, to laidback at times... she's in your face... she freaks people out sometimes... she's really intense.... sometimes i say to myself, just get over yourself jeannie... she's a great woman and she totally loves me and would do just about anything for me.... the thing is.... i'm just not that motivated in return... and that's not fair to her... i'm trying to be.... it's like... i don't know if i'm just not motivated at all in general with anything or if it's just her.... like the last time i was really goo goo over anyone where i would drop whatever i was doing was for kris... i was just a big mush for her.... but that was before i met michele... i haven't been mush since kris... and that never went anywhere but friendship... which i adore... wouldn't trade that friendship for anything... although i do wish i had just kissed her that one night at the bar.... she said she was waiting for it that night... i was just too much of a good girl.... and i liked her g/f at the time... didn't want to be that girl....
but damn... ::::: tongue hangs out of mouth ::::::: she really had me wrapped around her finger.... she has that affect on lots of people though, so i don't know... hee he... she's a great friend, and that's very very cool... back to the point....
i'm not goo goo over michele... but i'm wondering if i've just shut off my goo goo to anyone.... i haven't come across anyone who made me go goo goo since kris... i mean bumping into margaret again was amazing... and she gives me those little chills... but that's an old school crush revisited.... i have no trust in my feelings.... i think i've really lost myself... i'm not sure that i know who i am... actually... i know who i am... i'm a person without goals and aims... that's what i need to do.... i need to make some plans.... goals.... do something.... i need to figure out what kind of occupation field i want to drift towards... a good job would really help my outlook on things.... i miss ipi for one reason only.... my co-workers... well a handful of them anyway.... utopia and ipi... jobs that were well worth the hell because of the friends i made and good times i had.... i need to find a job that doesn't make me feel like shit for 9 hours a day...
i wish i could do what brian did and run away and be a buddhist for awhile... hee hee... go do yoga in massachussettes... this boy has been in colorado, then back in new york, then back out to colorado, then back to new york, then down to florida, then back to new york, then up to massachussettes, then back to new york, then back to colorado then out to arizona.... what the fuck? i can't keep up with this boy... and i still owe him a phone call... i keep forgetting... damn! i am so bad with calling people.. i owe sabrina a call as well... i hate the phone... my life right now consists of working, smoking pot, playing video games, going online, going to Antigone Rising shows, going to yonkers and watching tv... hmmm, did i forget anything? no, not really.... oh, i did have starbucks with amy the other night... probably my first social event with someone other than my family outside of my house that wasn't an AR show in like... um, forever.... thank you amy for breaking the string......... fucking A....
i guess i've been hiding because i'm always stoned... and i feel like a loser... so i just hide and smoke... bad news man... so lame.... i'm like a fucking druggy loser... that needs to stop.... i need to do normal nighttime activities during the week... go out, get some shopping done... clean up around the house... get the place organized... make it more presentable and nice... there are so many productive things i could do at night other than what i do, which is smoke and do nothing.... i'm hoping that the spring will aid in this slow change... man my dog is being a bitch tonight.. she will not stop the little muffled ruff thing... it's like :::: mmmmmufff.. muuuuff.... mmmmm... ufff :::: i'm like, shut up already!
yes i can still go on about my lame-ass life even as we are in iraq dropping bombs and losing soldiers.... peace is patriotic people... being against the war is being for the soldiers... no war, no danger for our soldiers.... the more we continue to go on the offensive... this time for really no good reason in any other countries eyes... we are not smothering terrorism, we are feeding the fucking beast... terrorists are not jealous people, they are angry people... this war was nothing but a catalyst for more damage in the future... people just don't get it.... we are not going to ever stop terrorism... not when we continue to terrorize and be hypocritical in our foreign policy.... if we are attacking iraq for breaking UN treaty agreements... then what the hell is the deal with us being Israel's best friend.... this countries government does whatever is best for its pocket....
but what can i say... what would i do if the government actually sat down and decided to do the right thing all across the board (i just got interrupted by kris, yes the goo goo kris - don't know if i can get this thread back but i'll try) so yeah, if the u.s. government rolled over and played nice the way all of us liberals want... well not really nice... but if they turned their backs on all the countries that we "wrongfully" support... we could be looking at some serious issues anyway... but if we are big tough america... why should we be afraid of doing the right thing.... why... because the right thing might not be $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$beneficial$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ to those in control..... it's all about the benjamins right.... must be... because it certainly isn't about what's right and wrong.... Israel just ran over one of our own citizens who was standing in front of a Palestinian home to protect it from being bulldozed... this is not an exaggeration.... i saw the pictures from the incident... it's sick... the guy just bulldozed the girl... she was flattened like a pancake... unreal... i couldn't believe what i was seeing... my stomach turned... if only all of us peace loving people could break off and buy some sovereign land somewhere and have a peaceful nation that was neutral and untouchable by any foreign hands... impossible of course... because the greed mongers out there... the powers that be... they couldn't have a self-sufficient entity out there... those people are lost money to them...
ahhhh... seems i was able to get that thread back after all... well... i'm done politicking for one night.... kris is great to talk to when you're in a funk... we usually have at least a few good laughs... ends up she and heather were at simples.... probably a good thing i got her voicemail... i probably would have gotten too much of my drink on tonight... with the hyper mood i was in.... and the day i've had... i think my luck may just have run out on the ride home from farmingdale... i had too many close calls today on the road it seems.... walking the dog tonight was definitely the wise choice!
so there was my, i don't know, quarterly journal entry? i hope to write more often in the coming present... whatever that means.... it means i couldn't decide on a unit of time... words are great aren't they... they really make a page!
peace!

current mood: accomplished

(1philosopherenlighten me )

Thursday, December 26th, 2002
10:55 am - ... this year to save me from tears
i'll give it to someone special...
so last night went really well i think... it was: grandma, james, uncle paul, aunt cathy, my mom, aunt alicia, uncle tommy, jay, me, greg, vicki, albert, clara and michael... little michael is adorable... we really do have cute babies in this family! he is such a happy little boy, always smiling and giggling... only a year old... crawling around and walking with some lean help... he's just a cutie! my mom called me before and asked me if I REMEMBER if grandma gave her anything else besides earrings on christmas eve... i'm like... are you kidding? you're gonna ask me to remember something like that! anyway... the white christmas was awesome... it really was beautiful... i made a snowman in front of my house... i didn't remember it being such a strenuous activity... it was fun! tonight aunt christine is going to be here with chris and claude.... it will be nice to see them... but in all honesty... i really wish that i could go home tonight and have the house to myself again... but soon enough.... xmas will be different from now on.... with paul and cathy and jay moving to florida... it's gonna be a much smaller holiday crew from now on.... sad and stuff... but it'll be alright...
the closer i get to new year's the more i feel like it will be ok... i have a little bit of anxiety about new year's... i just want to have a good time and not have drama... i wonder if that's possible... i think it is... i'm a little worried about getting in and out of the city that night... and i really hope for another early dismissal out of here next week, like christmas eve (2pm)... i wonder if they're gonna want to drive... or take the train... i imagine the train will be the desired option so as not to worry about drinking and driving... but who knows.... i am really wondering what is going to happen at 12:30am when we get kicked out of the lion's den.... hmmm...
work is dead... i have nothing to do... and it's only 11am... i think jenny is working on the 1/17 release schedule for Hijo... maybe she's doing 1/17 and 1/24... at least that will give me something to do... at some point in time i should have marc teach me how to cost his containers and find the dye lots and what not... because he's not going to be here the end of next week... blah... that's gonna suck... it's only 2 work days i think, but still... it's so boring here w/o marc or caren...
julia succeeded in getting me my favorite present of this year... my tommy box... anybody need any aftershave... don't think i'll be using that... mmm, smells nice... woohoo! let's see, got a borders g/c from mom... bookends, t-shirt, money and of course a calendar from g'ma... oh yeah and doggy biscuits for izzy... crossword books from mom and an air purifier for my room too... blank tapes and cdr's from aunt alicia and uncle tommy... gloves from greg... jets wall calendar from mike, jets desk calendar from terry... women of our time photojournalist book thingy from greg... for some reason i can't remember what vicki gave me... i'm totally drawing a blank... but that's ok... good shite... was a great night...
i still have to exchange with sabrina and kris, and one or two other people... oh my god... this cough is killing me... grrrrr...
so i think i am going to grow my hair out after all... i will suffer through the in between stage like a good girl... why not right... may as well make a cosmetic change along with the physical and mental changes i'm trying to make... i'm feeling very good about things in this moment... i'd love for this feeling to last...
last night after everyone left i rolled a joint and shared some with rita... figured what the heck it's xmas! i used the ron jeremy paper that swensen gave greg and i... too funny! anyway... i was in a really giving mood last night i guess... it just felt good to do things for my mom and stuff... it felt good to be feeling good ya know... it's nice!
i realize that a lot of the time i'm really mean to my mom... or just not nice or generous... it's awful... so i'm going to make a concentrated effort to be nicer to mom... shouldn't be too hard...
man, someone give me something to do for the next 6 hours please! i wish i could download elf3 and play that all day... but that would not be a wise idea, not with the gestapo lulu being here! grrrr! i wish i could take a nap or something... who's bright idea was it for us to be open the day after christmas anyway! especially after getting nearly a foot of snow! i want to go home and build castles and stuff.... i miss that shit... back in the day, with the drifts of snow in my backyard, i used to create some massive fortresses! ah, to be a kid again!
dave and jake need to go to hell for getting me sick again! and i didn't even get anything fun out of contracting the cold! i wonder if dave has even given a thought to the mix he was so eager to make after listening to mine... i'm glad nothing happened with us last week... that would have just been bad... my weak moments are just that... weak moments... must be strong for both of our sakes... i could never make it work... and not sure that i want to... i mean... if i were straight... i would never leave his side i suppose... but i like the women too much to swear them off for life... even to be with someone who once loved me in a way that i don't know if i'll ever be loved again... hmmm.... ahhh the drama!!! he is a cute boy... and a good person... but no... i don't think it will ever happen... and my dream is to come to the place where it doesn't phase me anymore...
oh my god, poor jenny, she must want to stick a sock down my throat... i can't stop this annoying hacking cough! yuck! terry is so funny, i really am glad that she's getting some action... it's weird that it's with mike (pimpcore) but hey, whatever floats yer boat, i'm certainly no one to throw stones... i just hope he is not going to fuck her over... which i don't think he really can, because it seems like she doesn't really have strong feelings for him other than friend and fuck buddy... so that's good i guess... i wish i had the ability to have a fuck buddy w/o there being inherant drama attached...
i sent an e-mail to michele on christmas eve to just kinda let her know where i am and that i won't forget her... i wish i had her address, i will try to find it tonight... or now and send her something for new years... may as well combine it with her b-day and xmas which i neglected to do anything for as well...
it's 11:34am now... i think i killed about half an hour so far... why couldn't this computer at least have solitaire or something!
well... i can't really think of anything else i want to talk about right now... so maybe i'll go smoke a cigarette and help my cough along!
peace

current mood: bored

(enlighten me )

Monday, December 23rd, 2002
9:31 pm - happy hannukah (sp) it's too late for that....
it's so much easier when our holidays line up! not sure why i say 'our'... i guess because i celebrate christmas even though i'm not catholic... it's just good energy ya know... be with the fam... share the love... good shit!
this time of year gets me down at the same time as it makes me feel good... only when i'm single though... i miss having that person that i just want to buy everything for... just to see them smile... so my friends benefit instead! there are a few peeps that i didn't get gifts for yet... i just got lazy...
i need to get something for michele and have it sent to her house or something... only problem is, i don't know if i have her address handy... well i know i don't have it handy... i'm not sure i have it at all...
joe strummer is dead... i can't fucking believe that... i called sabrina right after i found out... funny the things that will inspire me to move...
i feel like my life has become one big game lately... everything is a plot or a scheme... i feel like every move i make is calculated, even relaxing is a calculation... how did that happen? too much weed certainly does not help... i want to be serious this year... i know what i need to know... when will i put it into action...
cut the crap, be real... follow my own f'n advice... i want to change things... i need to change things...
January 1st, 2003... let that be the starting point! January 1st after i wake up that is!
:)
i feel very fake these days... and i don't like it at all... i gotta get me back... gotta cut the crap!
January 1st... so soon!
'sicker than sick of being tired'

current mood: bitchy

(enlighten me )

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